The Battle

"One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’"

Aint it the truth?
Isn't this a battle most of us fight?
I don't want to preach. I just promised a more honest blog.
And this is what's on my mind tonight. Honestly.

Here's the thing:
I fight this battle every day.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes the evil wolf wins.
A month ago that wolf won just about every day.
I fed that wolf. I did it for months. The good wolf pretty much sat on the sidelines at one point, offering advice, but I never took it.
I knew what I was doing. I just couldn't stop.

I don't know what finally happened, honestly.

Maybe it was the day I started really questioning myself.
Maybe it was the day I told myself that I needed a change.
Maybe it was the day I forced myself to see the good.

Carrie Underwood (who I normally cannot stand) has a song on her latest album.
I won't quote the entire thing, because it doesn't all apply to me, but basically...the chorus is:

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye
 
After listening to this song, I forced myself to begin to look at the good in my goodbye.
Was there such a thing?
Did I do the right thing?

These are questions I still ask myself.
It would be so simple if we did not have a child involved, but really...and I never saw myself as the family type, but that is something that would bring me great joy. For my family to be together. That's the dream, right?

But then I realized that my family doesn't necessarily have to be me, Aiden, and his daddy.
Maybe I can still have my fairy tale.
I don't want perfect. I want to not feel like I'm bending over backward for someone who is unwilling to do the same.

I'm learning the difference between standing up for myself and being a straight up bitch.
Maybe sometimes, in certain situations, those two wolves can work together.
Most of the time I will speak my mind, although I am learning to choose my battles.

Some people choose to let the evil win. They choose to feed the mean wolf who just brings them down further, and they don't even see it. At least I was aware of what I was doing.

It's easier to see when other people are doing this to themselves now.
But in the end, it's their choice.
It's my choice, dammit.
I will struggle with it tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I will struggle with it for a while probably.
I'm okay with that.
I know what makes me happy. I know that I will have bad days. I know I will not always understand why things had to happen the way they did, but it's okay. I don't have to right now.

Random on Sunday Morning

I've found that twitter is a little more fun than facebook these days, for the following reasons:
-Twitter doesn't have stock that I know of
-There aren't constant rumors that Twitter will start charging
-NO. TIMELIINE.
-I can creep on Mike Napoli
-I don't feel as censored.
-...I can post the random thoughts that go on in my head and not feel weird about it.

This really makes me think of all the facebook crap that's getting on my nerves as well. For example...the fact that you can see all the stuff your friends "Like" or comment on.
The shit they're commenting on or liking may or may not be for my eyes to see.
Also, it brings in this issue of people creating accounts and making stuff like..."'Like' if you're not racist!" or "'Like' if you think this girl that has cancer and is bald is beautiful!"
I mean come on.
Seriously??
I'm not racist. And that girl is gorgeous, and strong. But I'm not going to clog up my friends' news feed about it.
Ugh.
And if only I could get ahold of Zuckerberg...I'd punch him in the stomach.
But not really. That's assault. 
And that's what I have to say about that.

Also, I got a promotion, sort of.
Is it a promotion if you just accept more responsibility?
And go to salary?
Yeah?
Okay.
So there's that.

My son's daycare lady said she thinks that Aiden may be hitting his terrible 2's early.
...And I'm all. Well hell. That does make sense.
Or, if the 2's are worse, then I am in for it.
Really, he's not that bad. Promise. It's just that, he cries for extended periods when he doesn't get his way, and now SCREAMS. Not like the newborn scream of pain or whatever, it's just frustration or something, I guess. I don't know. I never had a kid before.

I found a gallon sized mason jar at Target. Can't decide if I should buy it or not. What do you do with a gallon sized mason jar?
Besides store kool-aid in it?

I was happy with the American Idol results. Phil Phillips is my homeboy.

That is all for now. Aiden is going to see his daddy today and he's staying overnight...so...I'm staying in Sanger. And I need to pack. 

My Second Mother's Day

Please don't be misled by the title.
It was not my second Mother's Day period. Just my second to be an actual mother.
And get presents.(Although, technically, I got myself a present, and "Aiden" got me a coffee cup. -_-)
But, it was my third that people actually told me "Happy Mother's Day", since I was pregnant the first year.

Anyway, the roommates and I traveled to Sherman, TX to have M-day brunch at my aunt's, and to rescue Ryan's car from the car-fixer-place.
That's their actual name.
Car-Fixer-Place.

Okay, it's not.

And they're a body shop, so if anything mechanically was wrong with the car before, it's still wrong. Which would explain why we found it low on oil, and the battery completely dead.
No joke, y'all.
But we'll call that story Saturday, part 2.

We got to eat MG's, which is a Sherman, TX exclusive.
There was once an MG's in Denton, and I can't decide if they were trying to do the same kind of deal or not, but if they were, they failed miserably, because it's called something else now.
And they served gyros. Not just burgers.

We then traveled to Gander Mountain, where I spent my time chasing after my toddler.
He's just now to this age where I don't have to hold him everywhere we go, (thank you, baby Jesus) and he isn't interested in holding anyone's hand and being lead around, so if the particular place you're going doesn't have a cart, you end up chasing him around everywhere to make sure no one runs into him or he doesn't break anything too horribly expensive or what have you.
Later that day we did the same run around Belk.
I did find some pants before the chase, though.
It was probably for the best, too, since Belk sells Yellowbox shoes, and it's best for my bank account that I don't look too closely at such things.

The next day, I slaved endlessly over Pioneer Woman Cinnamon Rolls.
And when I say slaved, I mean it's really not too hard.
If you're patient.
And it's all worth it.
And I only ever allow myself to have one at a time.
And it's a requirement that I have some kind of breakfast meat with them, preferably bacon.
In fact, the next time I make them, I'm adding crumbled bacon before I cut them up.
Don't judge me. Admit you're jealous.
(I tried this once before, but Penny ate ALL the raw dough off of the counter while they were rising. I haven't said much to her since then.)
My cinnamon rolls inspired my aunt to talk to me about opening a restaurant together.
This would not be a bad thing. We even agreed on the hours of only breakfast and lunch.

No late nights for us! We're day people.

I also went to the Rangers Game that day.
To see my husbAnd.
And the rest of the Rangers.
And I got to see Cruz hit at Grand Slam.
And that. was the coolest thing ever.
And the lady I sat next to me laughed at me for getting over(?)excited about my husbAnd doing so well.
She was no fun at all.

Remind me to look into getting some TX Rangers Toms made.

Blog tired, edit never.

Ummmmm hi. Hello.
This is awkward. It's been months since I blogged.
Or anyone blogged, for that matter.
What happened to us?
Oh, life.
That's right.
You're forgiven.

Here's what's new:

Aiden walks like a real person. And runs.
And says Shoes.
And cheese.
And bye.
And car.
Car?
Car.
And rides his momma like a pony.
What a little weirdo. Already.
Also he loves to be read to. Especially his car books.
Also, gives kisses and hugs.
And there's nothing like a greeting from that one. He's insane.

I have the great pleasure (twitch) of more responsibility at work.
Which means.....job security.
Which means.......stress.
Which means......Xanax.
Kidding.
I think. 

I still work out.
Also I diet now.
Although I wouldn't call it a diet necessarily, since it's more of a change of eating habits.
I don't even remember how I used to eat now.
The bright side of it is that I've lost at least 20 pounds since I moved to Wichita Falls.
I say at least simply because I have no idea how much I weighed when I moved here.
I only know that I'm closer and closer to my pre-child weight. And that makes me happy.
Not to mention how happy it makes me that the internet is in existence, and there's eatingwell.com,  and that is where I discovered healthy(er) mac n cheese.
I know. I know. And it's SOOOO good. You just have to resist the temptation to pile on the cheese. That's the hardest part.


I really do plan on blogging more. Really.
And I plan on editing the content less.
I would like to preface future blog entries by getting this out of the way....
Shit. Damn. Eff. 
Sigh. There.
Turn away now if that is unacceptable.
If eff bothers you, I don't know why we're friends anyway. That's totally edited.

Goodnight, bitches.

by request...

Yes, it's true, I'm alive. And kicking. And blogging, apparently. 

I received a comment from a certain family member about how, in order to have a blog you must post.
Gee, unnamed family member, I've just been so busy!
But here I am, typing away. You're quite welcome. How's your morning?

I saw the last post I had, dated at the end of October and if I was not so tired, I would have giggled.

Okay.

Deep breaths, everyone.

In truth, not much is new.

I joined a gym in late November. I have recently noticed a difference between end-of-Ocotober me, and the way I look now. It's hard to tell, though. I thought about keeping pictures to show progress, but where would I keep such a thing? Yes, my tired mind just admitted that. I've been told not to weigh myself, and instead to try and notice inches. But I've been too busy to notice even that...what's a girl to do? Anyway...I had a workout buddy at first, but then she had to have surgery, so I was on my own. Somehow, I've managed to still go four times a week. It's hard, sometimes. But then, so is childbirth. So, I figure, why not. But sometimes, my only motivation is pure stubbornness, mixed with habit, and occasional uplifting comments from le Paul.

Did I just write that much about working out? Yes. Yes I did. And you read it. That's the best part.

My life has become quite routine. Work, home, put Aiden to bed, gym, home, relax. I like the stability.

I do find time to read. I finished The Hunger Games trilogy. I'm waiting not-so-patiently on the movie to come out. 

Aiden had his first birthday.
Aiden took his first steps.
He's still not walking like a normal human, we have to trick him into taking steps. But he makes momma so proud. Still teething, as ever. But that's another thing I'm proud of...I talked to someone today about their year old who only has 4 teeth. I have stopped counting Aiden's. I just know when he's teething, because it's the only time he's grumpy, ever. Unless he falls down. That makes him SO MAD.
The doctor said he's perfectly normal as far as growth goes. He had to stop there, but I know what he really wanted to say was, "Well, Aiden is perfectly normal as far as growth goes, but outside of that he towers over all over 1 year olds, to an almost shocking extent. I can't believe he's not in that World Record book, Ms. Vaughan! How on earth did you create such a child??"
Kidding.
Maybe.

Well, Okay, Unnamed Family Member.
I blogged instead of read before bed tonight.
I hope you were entertained.
I would love to go on, but I am quite tired.
Have a lovely day!
:D

Maybe lately I'm obsessed with only a few things.

Or, random.

Have been watching the World Series with the family, which has been so.much.fun. As you know by now, the Cards won. (Refuse to say that we lost...) Considering living in a state of denial and demanding a World Series Champ Tshirt anyway.

Also, I've been reading more than normal. It's going to make me smarter.

I record Everyday Italian. I'm obsessed with cooking her food. I made sausage and pepper sandwhiches. A.MAY.ZING.

Also, I'm going to experiment with a soup recipe that my whole family is skeptical about .
But they were also skeptical about my crab cakes.

I CAN'T. WAIT. TO . GET. THESE. STUPID. NAILS. OFF.
They're throwing my typing off completely.

Mom came home from the hospital today.
If I didn't see her for myself, I'd never believe how good she's doing.
In the back of my mind, I was afraid that Paul was telling me how good she was to make me feel better.
Nope! She says she's sore, but she's good. :)

I married Mike Napoli. Please refer to me as Mrs. Napoli.
Also, please make arrangements to have me a tshirt printed with his number and Mrs. Napoli somewhere.
Thanks.

I'm quite sure that Little Man is teething some more.
Other than that, I have the happiest baby in the world. :D

I will let ya know about my skeptical soup.
As soon as I get these freaking nails off.

Oh, hello.

-If I don't mind waking up early on the weekends, am I officially old? I slept in Saturday, but woke up early this morning by choice. Sort of. I mean, when I slept in yesterday the day was gone so fast...waking up early means breakfast. And coffee. And today, there was a bit of cooking on Paul's fishing show. I told him our worlds came together for that one episode.

-Ke$ha does not exclusively sing about boozing and partying and...things. She has a couple of serious songs. I just thought you should know that.

-Little Man turns 10 months old in...4 days. Official hardcore party planning time. At least I know where the smash cake is coming from. That's the hardest part. :) ((by the way, we're having the party December 10th, place tba.))

-Speaking of, does anyone have kids who have December birthdays? How do you handle that? Buy presents throughout the year and split them in half? One girl in my childbirth class said that her and her husband were going to throw their daughter "half-birthday" parties so that all their friends can come, when they're old enough for that sort of thing.

-By the way, the kid is completely mobile. He babbles up a storm, and has 8 teeth. He's pretty much a grown man.

-Have you heard the song "pray for you"? Well, you should.

-I'm officially completely tired of flaky people. I don't get a lot of time to myself, so if I'm going to spend it with someone, I don't want my time wasted. My bullshit tolerance is really low these days, but my bullshit sensor is in high gear. This is not directed toward any one person in particular, just the general population. Notice I didn't say the male population...males are not the only flaky humans.

-Have you been watching New Girl? Well....you should.

-I got new giraffe-print rainboots.

-I didn't watch ANY food network today. None. .......Are food network shows on hulu? Or netflix?

-I think that's all I have for now.

-Enjoy the rest of your day!