Monday, June 25, 2012

The Battle

"One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’"

Aint it the truth?
Isn't this a battle most of us fight?
I don't want to preach. I just promised a more honest blog.
And this is what's on my mind tonight. Honestly.

Here's the thing:
I fight this battle every day.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes the evil wolf wins.
A month ago that wolf won just about every day.
I fed that wolf. I did it for months. The good wolf pretty much sat on the sidelines at one point, offering advice, but I never took it.
I knew what I was doing. I just couldn't stop.

I don't know what finally happened, honestly.

Maybe it was the day I started really questioning myself.
Maybe it was the day I told myself that I needed a change.
Maybe it was the day I forced myself to see the good.

Carrie Underwood (who I normally cannot stand) has a song on her latest album.
I won't quote the entire thing, because it doesn't all apply to me, but basically...the chorus is:

As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt
I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
Sometimes life leads you down a different road
When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go
Someday you’ll see the reason why
Sometimes, yeah sometimes, there’s good in goodbye

After listening to this song, I forced myself to begin to look at the good in my goodbye.
Was there such a thing?
Did I do the right thing?

These are questions I still ask myself.
It would be so simple if we did not have a child involved, but really...and I never saw myself as the family type, but that is something that would bring me great joy. For my family to be together. That's the dream, right?

But then I realized that my family doesn't necessarily have to be me, Aiden, and his daddy.
Maybe I can still have my fairy tale.
I don't want perfect. I want to not feel like I'm bending over backward for someone who is unwilling to do the same.

I'm learning the difference between standing up for myself and being a straight up bitch.
Maybe sometimes, in certain situations, those two wolves can work together.
Most of the time I will speak my mind, although I am learning to choose my battles.

Some people choose to let the evil win. They choose to feed the mean wolf who just brings them down further, and they don't even see it. At least I was aware of what I was doing.

It's easier to see when other people are doing this to themselves now.
But in the end, it's their choice.
It's my choice, dammit.
I will struggle with it tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I will struggle with it for a while probably.
I'm okay with that.
I know what makes me happy. I know that I will have bad days. I know I will not always understand why things had to happen the way they did, but it's okay. I don't have to right now.